I wish children came with an instruction manual

Wouldn't it be great to understand what's going on inside your child's brain? And wouldn't it be even more amazing if someone could then tell you what you're meant to do for the best outcome?

Nicola Rayner, Norland Nanny & Child Behaviour Specialist, explains what happens inside your child's brain when things 'go wrong' and your child is overwhelmed by their feelings which can lead to challenging behaviour, such as meltdowns, tantrums or shutdowns.

Here's the scene, you're at the soft play and your child is having a wonderful time. However, you know it's almost time to leave which he is not going to be happy about. To make matters worse, you're leaving so that you can get to the dentist, which he really doesn't like. Cue epic meltdown in the middle of the soft play. Your child having a very big, very emotional reaction, and there doesn't seem to be anything you can do to get through to them. You feel hopeless, turn to your friend and say "I wish he came with an instruction manual". We have all been there! The three big questions surrounding these situations are...

1. Could this have been prevented?

2. Why has he gone from 0-10 in an instant?
   

3. What do I do in the moment?

QUESTION ONE? Trying to prevent these moments is the ultimate goal, and we have lots of webinars and training on this topic so do take a look on our website or YouTube channel for advice on this. You can do things like providing a 5 and 2 minute warning before home time or using visual pictures to help the child understand what's happening next. However, it is not always going to be possible to prevent these big emotions from overwhleming our little people. It is important to remember that it's not a reflection of your parenting, they are just learning how to process these huge feelings they are having.

"The sign of great parenting is not the child's behaviour. The sign of truly great parenting is the parent's behaviour." Andy Smithson

QUESTION TWO? At The Child Behaviour Network, we call these big explosive moments 'flipping your lid', and here's why. It's called the hand-brain model, an idea founded by Dan Siegel. Make sure you can see the diagram, and then imagine your hand is your brain. A closed fist shows an emotionally regulated brain, everything is connected and working together. Your wrist, the blue part, is the brain stem which is your 'base brain'. It is responsible for your basic needs such as sleeping and eating, and it makes your heart beat, among other involuntary body actions. The thumb folded across, in red, is the limbic system where emotions are processed. And your fingers, in green, make up your prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that processes information, makes connections, regulates emotions, and decides which choices to make.

When our fingers are raised, the preforntal cortex is disconnected. This happens when we are angry, stressed or upset. The prefrontal cortext, aka the thinking brain, stops connecting with the rest of the brain, and this is when you will see extreme behaviours in your child. At this stage we can't use our problem-solving skills, logic or reason because they have gone offline and are no longer available to your child. In this moment, our job as parents and carers is to help our child to get their prefrontal cortext back incharge, to put the lid back on, to bring those fingers back over the limbic system so that emotions can be processed again.

"When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not join their chaos." L. R. Knost

QUESTION THREE? How do we go about bringing the brain back together again, how do we put that lid back on and get our child's thinking brain back in charge so that they can make wise decisions? There are lots of different things to try that will be appropriate at different times. Always remain calm and reduce the amount of words you're saying. If your child's brain is not fully connected they probably won't be able to process words as easily as usual or answer more complicated questions such as 'why are you upset' or 'what do you want?'. They also won't be able to think about consequences, or be able to make the right choice when told about consequences. Focus on the feeling they are experiencing and help them to calm down first.

It is also important to make sure you are being very clear with your child about what is happening. For example, I can see you are very upset but it is not ok to throw toys so I am going to take you to your bedroom and help you calm down there. It is usually best to talk in statements rather than questions if their upstairs brain is offline. If you think choice would be helpful, keep it simple and just offer A or B.

"Regulate, then relate, then reason" Bruce Perry

Remember to be kind to yourself. Parenting is really hard, and no one gets it right all the time. You are almost definitely doing a better job than you think!

I hope that my unpacking of 'meltdowns' has been helpful. If you would like more advice and tools I am hosting a webinar about 'Diffusing Meltdowns' on Tuesday 11th June 7:30-8:30pm for just £15.

Through the workshop you will learn what causes meltdowns, including triggers, as well as the importance of staying connected to your child. I will then focus on providing a toolkit of strategies for what to do during a meltdown. At the end there will be a time for Q&A but there is no pressure to contribute at any point.

Register for webinar

We also provide consultations if you want to troubleshoot your specific circumstances and concerns. We can even come to your home and provide parent coaching to model, demonstrate and implement the strategies and approaches we suggest. There's more information on our website, or click below to find out more and to get in touch and book in.

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