No-one talks about it but everyone's child does it
- Nicola Rayner
- Aug 20, 2024
- 3 min read
5 Tips for stopping your child hitting, biting and kicking
Parenting can sometimes feel like a never-ending cycle of correction and redirection, often we are left asking ourselves whether we're doing the right thing as it doesn't seem to be working. There is a saying, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Whilst endless repetition with children might make you feel insane it is actually exactly the right thing to be doing. A better saying would be "Good parenting is doing the same thing over and over and eventually getting different results." This rings particularly true when it comes to addressing physical behaviour in toddlers and young children.
1. Acknowledge Emotions Separately from Actions It's crucial to teach your child that while it's okay to feel upset or frustrated, it is not ok to hurt people. By separating the behaviour from the underlying emotion, you help them understand that their feelings are valid, but they need to express it in an appropriate way. For example, you can say, "It's okay to be cross because you wanted your toy back, but it's not okay to hit."
2. Provide the Solution Be very explicit, your child might not have the language skills yet to find the words, especially in a moment of heightened emotions. If you see your child become angry/frustrated, immediately jump in and give them a phrase they can use, such as "It's ok Harry, say 'I was playing with that, please can I have it back?". This sets your child up for a win as they don't have to find the words themselves, but just repeat what you have said.
3. Focus on the Behaviour, Not the Child When addressing physical behaviour, consider detaching the action from the child. By talking about what their body did rather than them you keep the focus on the behaviour itself. E.g. "I saw all that anger rush into your arms and then your arms hit me". This approach reduces shame and allows the child to recognise that it's the act that needs to change, not who they are as a person. This is particularly helpful if you have a child who struggles to accept responsibility for what they did.
4. Encourage Empathy and "show" sorry. Teaching your child to take responsibility for their actions is key to helping them develop empathy. Encourage them to engage in acts of apology or kindness after a negative behaviour, such as checking on the other child or offering help, this could be cream or a cold compress. By reinforcing these positive actions, you strengthen their understanding of the impact of their behaviour on others, and help to create positive relationships with friends and siblings.
5. Repetition is Key Changing unwanted behaviours takes time and persistence. Children will often act on impulse to get what they want because the part of their brain involved in impulse control is still developing; for example, if another child takes their toy they might hit the child and take it back. Our job as parents and carers is to help develop their impulse control and create a new pathway in their brain that shows them a better way with a more positive outcome. For example, by demonstrating that we can use our words to get the toy back, instead of snatching, we begin building a new neural pathway within the brain. However to begin with, this pathway won't be used as the 'snatching' pathway is still dominant. Over time, with lots of repetition the 'use your words' pathway becomes stronger and more accessible to your child. Just like learning any new skill, practicing the desired behaviour repeatedly helps strengthen the connections in the brain. Eventually it will become dominant and using their words will be their instinctive response. Through consistent reinforcement, the new pathways gradually become dominant, guiding your child towards healthier, more positive reactions.
Navigating physical behaviour in toddlers requires patience, consistency, and a focus on teaching positive alternatives. By following these tips and understanding that change doesn't happen overnight, you can guide your child towards developing healthier ways to communicate and resolve conflicts.
Remember, good parenting isn't about immediate results but about laying the groundwork for long-term growth and development in your child.
Want to know more? We have a great free webinar on 'Preventing difficult behaviour' and a downloadable webinar on 'Diffusing meltdowns' which is 30 minutes and just £15.
Personalised consultancy and coaching? If you would like to discuss your particular situation or address a specific concern we offer one-off consultations. Join Nicola for a one-hour video call to ask her all your questions, and receive her top practical tips on how to navigate these challenging toddler years.
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