Why are new things so hard for my child?

Written by Nicola Rayner, Child Behaviour Specialist

"Change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end"

Robin Sharma

A few weeks ago I had planned some exciting activities for one of the children I work with. He had been having a difficult couple of weeks so I wanted to give him something nice to look forward to - we were going to go to Ninja Warrior Adventure park.

However, during half term Elliot* was finding it really difficult to regulate himself and stay calm, he wasn't in a place where he was in control of his body or able follow instructions. I explained to him that we weren't going to be able to go to Ninja Warrior, not as a punishment, but just because I didn't think it was best for him when he was feeling like this, and also I wasn't confident I could keep him safe in that environment. He was a little upset to begin with, but after some time to calm down he understood.

Instead we planned to do quieter activities that were very familiar, such as crazy golf and walks. The weather was pretty awful so if I'm honest, I wasn't particularly looking forward to it. I would definitely have preferred to take him to Ninja Warrior! However, the heavy downpour meant that whilst the crazy golf course was a little flooded, it was also empty. We basically had the place to ourselves, meaning Elliot could repeat holes, skip holes and take his time. At the end of the day, Elliot* said "They were the perfect activities, I've had the best day".

This got me thinking ... why was he not more disappointed that I cancelled Ninja Warrior's? If he had 'the best day', should I stop planning exciting activities as a treat? Would it be better for him if we always did the same things? Or will that make him even more resistant to change and new activities?

I don't know if you have ever had a similar thought process? I imagine I am not the only one so I thought I would turn my wonderings into seven tips that might be helpful

1. Stay curious

The very fact that you're reading this is a great place to start.

Stay curious about your child's behaviour, try and understand what it is that makes them tick. It's also helpful if we can stay curious about our own feelings and behaviour. If something frustrates us, why does it frustrate us? I was asking myself why I was disappointed to not to go Ninja Warrior. Was it because I was sad for Elliot that he wasn't going to be able to go? Was it because I had put quite a lot of effort into planning it and that now felt wasted? Was it because I didn't really want to do crazy golf in the rain, when I was expecting to sit in a cafe at Ninja Warrior? Was it a combination of all the above?

Remember that our brains, and our children's brains, are hard wired for familiarity. Your little ones' brains are constantly trying to find patterns and make sense of the world. This need is often exacerbated by additional needs such as Autism, or if your child has experience trauma and/or attachment difficulties.

The more we ponder these things, the better we will be at recognising the feelings and needs that are hiding behind our children's behaviour and our own.

2. CPR for the brain

When someone's heart stops we begin CPR which stands for cardiopulmonary resuscitation. Well, many children, particularly those with additional needs will benefit from CPR for their brain. CPR standing for Consistency, Predictability and Reliability. When we are consistent with our children, their behaviour becomes more consistent for us. By being predictable for our children, we help to reduce their anxiety and encourage a sense of calm. Many children try and take control over their lives, you may see this in meltdown's over what to wear, or how food is plated up etc. When a child's life feels predictable, they are confident that you are in control and therefore feel less of a need to seek control. Lastly, by being reliable our children will develop a strong trust with us which, over time, creates more flexibility with their thinking and will enable them to be more spontaneous.

3. Expectations

I have realised that often at least part of the frustration comes from us as the adult perceiving certain activities as a 'treat' for which our child should be incredibly grateful, where as for our child they may not see it in exactly the same way. If we can remember that for our child, whilst they might still be really excited and enjoy the new activity, it's ok if they find it difficult and need some additional support. They're not being ungrateful if they appear to have more fun doing the same old walk to the park.

4. Balance

If you are doing a new or exciting activity then make sure this is balanced out with lots of predictable and familiar things. Even simple things like what's for lunch, or what they watch on TV. Today might not be the day to bring out the new clothes you just brought them.

5. Avoid contingencies

If you are trying to encourage your child to try new things then avoid making these contingent or conditional. For example, at a restaurant saying "If you eat your dinner nicely then I'll get you the amazing chocolate cake", when actually your child may prefer a plain scoop of vanilla ice cream. You may find your child is of the "better the devil you know" field of thought, and therefore you may see them sabotaging things that would seem a 'treat' because they are seeking familiarity.

6. Prepare

Prepare your child for the new activity by

giving them plenty of warning, and explaining exactly what it is going to be like. For some children I have found the phrase "Would you like to see some pictures and a map?" changes everything.

7. Empathise

Don't underestimate the power of empathising with your child's feelings. Starting a sentence with the phrase "I wonder..." can be particularly helpful. Such as, "I wonder whether you're feeling really excited about the theme park today, but maybe also a bit nervous or worried because it's going to be quite busy".

Two main reasons this is brilliant, firstly your child may not know what they are feeling until you label it - 'name it to tame it'. Secondly, if your child feels seen and heard then they won't feel the need to use big, and sometimes challenging, behaviour to communicate their feelings.

I hope these tips are helpful for you! Progress may feel slow but gradually your child will become more flexible.

If you would like to discuss this further, consider booking a one-off consultancy with me via our website, or email Nicola.rayner@tcbn.co.uk

*Not real name