Your child is not a tree ... she's grass
- Nicola Rayner
- May 4, 2024
- 3 min read
How can we identify and meet the need that's driving our child's behaviour?
I recently found out that 81% of grass biomass is stored below ground, whereas trees have 71% of their biomass above ground. Grass doesn't give much away on the surface, to understand it you need to know what's going on underground, the unseen roots and the invisible processes taking place underground. Our small humans are exactly the same!
The majority of what our children are feeling, experiencing and processing, is taking place internally and below the surface. The behaviours we see are communicating what is below the surface. When there has been a heatwave we know that our grass will start to look dry and brown, we know that it needs watering to revive it. We pour the water onto the grass that we can see, but we're delivering it to the grass's roots which is where the change really takes place. Eventually, we will then see the transformation in the blades of grass on the surface. Our children need us to be looking at their behaviour and seeing it as a small blade of grass, fully aware that we can't change the grass without nurturing the roots.
“Beneath every behaviour there is a feeling. And beneath each feeling is a need. And when we meet that need rather than focus on the behaviour, we begin to deal with the cause not the symptom.” Ashleigh Warner, Psychotherapist
How do we do this? Here are my 5 top tips for identifying and meeting your child's hidden needs
Consider the bigger picture, what else has happened in your child's day? If they are having an epic meltdown over the colour of a pen, for example. it is most likely that a number of things have build up throughout the day, and you're seeing the result of the final straw. It can help your child if you acknowledge and name some of the other things that they may have found difficult that day. "I hear you that you're really angry that we can't find a red pen, but I wonder whether you're also feeling really tired from our playdate this afternoon."
Wonder aloud, stay curious about your child's behaviour. Use the phrase "I wonder..." to talk about what they might be feeling. "I wonder whether you're feeling a bit worried, I wonder whether you might be a bit confused because the plan for today has changed". This will help your child to identify how they are feeling and label their emotions for themselves in the future.
Set boundaries, all needs are valid and welcome, but not all behaviour is acceptable. Your child may appear to be attention seeking, the underlying need being that they want to feel connected to you. We can recognise and respond to this need, without accepting the 'attention seeking' behaviour if it is negative, for example throwing toys across the room. "I wonder whether you're feeling like you've not had much time with Daddy today. It's ok to ask me to play with you, but it is not ok to throw toys across the room".
Look behind the behaviour, if your child is being 'bossy', consider whether they may be feeling out of control in life. the underlying need here may be that they would benefit from more control over their lives. If your child appears 'melodramatic', it may be that they don't feel heard. Make sure you are telling them they are seen and heard, make eye contact and acknowledge their feelings before their behaviour escalates.
Find patterns, sometimes children's behaviour has patterns that help us to identify the underlying need. For example, if every day in the middle of the afternoon they suddenly refuse to do anything and start moaning or whining, consider whether they are tired or hungry. Would it be helpful to build in a snack time, or rest time, half an hour before you usually see this behaviour?
I hope that my thoughts and tips on meeting needs will be helpful. Please do leave a comment, I would love to hear your thoughts and questions.
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